Good Day,

My Name is Mrs. Sabina Johnson,I am a retired Auditor With Shell Development Oil Company Hong Kong. I write to inform you of my intention to invest in a Hotel or any other business in your country and to request you to assists me in carrying out the feasibility studies on location, type and estimation on how much it will cost to establish a three star hotel, either by outright purchase, or already existing but dilapidated one and renovate or setting up a new one entirely or real estate and industrial production.

If you sincerely ready to assist me for the investment,I will give you the power of attorney to manage the investment on my behalf, Pending on when we will get a good site for the investment. I have (US$15,000,000.00) that I deposited in a Finance company in China mainland for this project.I am willing to give you 20% of the funds while the remaining 80% will be for my investment in your country.I will like you to provide me with more information about yourself e.g

Mrs. Sabina Johnson

1.Full name……………………………………………….
2.Address…………………………………………………
3.Occupation…………………………………………….
4.Telephone number……………………………………

I am in hospital now for knee injury operation, as a result of my old age but I have been assured by my doctor that I will be fine soon. Please do let me know if you are capable of handling all these. I will be expecting your reply as soon as possible.

Thanks and best regards.

Yeah, a retired auditor. Thanks for making CPA’s look good, Sabina (or Bob, or Mtutse, whatever your name actually is)….but still, great English for a Shell auditor — I especially like the touch where you call yourself Mrs. Sabina Johnson — because, after all, that’s modern usage. I often end my emails with Mr. Henry Jennings, doesn’t everyone?

Ding dong.

Though most of us haven’t had to use a “dog ate my homework” excuse since elementary school (and some of us not even then), this woman seemed to think her claim reasonable enough.

A Spanish bar is encouraging clients to insult its staff – and offering free drinks for original or hilarious abuse.

“When you come in after work, you can say swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” said client Antonio Ossa.

He told state news agency EFE the promotion by the Casa Pocho bar, in the southern town of Cullera near Valencia, seemed like a good idea to him.

A teenage boy in Ohio has been convicted of murdering his mother because she took away his copy of the video game Halo 3, and now faces the possibility of life in prison.

Daniel Petric, 17, shot both his mother and father in October 2007 with a handgun after what was potentially “weeks” of planning, according to the Associated Press. His father survived, but his mother died of a wound to the head. Petric’s defense attorneys had argued that he was not guilty by reason of insanity, claiming that he was dangerously addicted to Halo 3. Petric was tried as an adult in the Lorain County Court of Common Pleas.

Hello,

Good day, My name is Mr. Song Li, I work with the Hang Seng Bank,I have a business proposal in the tune of $19.5m to be transferred to an Offshore account with your assistance if you are interested.

Send me the following:

Full names,
Private phone number,
Current residential address,

Finally after that I shall provide you with more details, my
Email address is songle99@yahoo.com.hk

Kind Regards,
Song Li Le.

From: Barrister Roy Smith Chambers London/England,
Email: barrroysmith@gmail.com

Dear Friend,

This letter is not intended to cause any embarrassment in whatever form, rather it is intended to contact your esteemed self, following the knowledge of your high repute and trustworthiness. Firstly, I must solicit your confidentiality. I know that a proposal of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that it is made in good faith and will be of mutual benefit.

I am Barrister Roy Smith from England, the personal attorney to Mr. Kenneth, herein after referred to as my client, a national of your country, who used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company in England. My client and his entire family were involved in a fatal motor accident, which unfortunately claimed their lives, along the express road, sparing none of the occupants of the vehicle. I have since then made several enquiries to your Embassy, in a bid to locate any relation of my late client, and these efforts of mine have not been productive. I came across your name during my search which is why I have contacted you to assist me in securing the money and property left behind by my client before they are declared as unclaimed and unserviceable by the Natwest Bank London where the have been lodged for safekeeping by the British Government .

I am particularly interested in securing this contract fund balance with Federal Ministry of Finance (FMF), totaling Thirty Million United States Dollar (USD30M). This is because the said Bank has issued a notice to me, unequivocally instructing me to produce the Next of Kin to the said account within the next fourteen official working days, or have the account confiscated. Considering my lack of success in my bid to locate his relatives for over two years, I solicit your consent to enable me produce you as the Next of Kin to my deceased client, since you both bear the same last name. The funds will then be transferred to you as the beneficiary and shared according to a proposed sharing pattern /ratio of 60:40 i.e. 60% for me and 40% for you. I will provide all the necessary and legally obtained documents to back up any claim we make regarding this
process, and will just require your understanding and cooperation to enable us achieve success within a legitimate arrangement, eliminating any liability resulting

My direct contacts have been provided; use same accordingly for effective communication. You can as well forward to me your Tel/Fax number immediately for more clarification on my late client.

Thank you.

Best Regards,
Barrister Roy Smith.
Email: barrroysmith@gmail.com

Your English is stilted for a barrister. You should try that again.

Also, there’s no such thing as a British “Federal Ministry of Finance”; most “Federal Ministries of Finance” are in African countries. As are you, I suspect.

Next time, do a little better research into which agency handles escheat in Great Britain. And stop referring to yourself as “from England”; the proper term is “from Great Britain” or just “from London”.

BTW, soliciting fraud is illegal, even if you are doing it via the internet across international borders — as an “English barrister”, you know that, and would be subjecting yourself to revocation of your license, being thrown in prison, etc.

Hence the whole thing is poppycock — although it’s pretty entertaining.

HOPKINSVILLE, Ky. — A patron at the I Don’t Care Bar & Grill evidently didn’t care about leaving until it was way past closing time and the door was locked.

The man, whose name was not released, told police in western Kentucky that he fell asleep inside the bar and when he got up to leave he set off the alarm. Hopkinsville, Ky., police officers arrived a few minutes before 3 a.m. Friday to find him still locked inside the establishment and unable to find a way out. So they helped him leave the bar. No one was arrested. Evidently it’s not a crime to be left behind after closing time at I Don’t Care.

I blame idiot father.

SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) — The quest for squeaky-clean dishes has turned some law-abiding people in Spokane into dishwater-detergent smugglers. They are bringing Cascade or Electrasol in from out of state because the eco-friendly varieties required under Washington state law don’t work as well. Spokane County became the launch pad last July for the nation’s strictest ban on dishwasher detergent made with phosphates, a measure aimed at reducing water pollution. The ban will be expanded statewide in July 2010, the same time similar laws take effect in several other states.

But it’s not easy to get sparkling dishes when you go green.

Many people were shocked to find that products like Seventh Generation, Ecover and Trader Joe’s left their dishes encrusted with food, smeared with grease and too gross to use without rewashing them by hand. The culprit was hard water, which is mineral-rich and resistant to soap.

As a result, there has been a quiet rush of Spokane-area shoppers heading east on Interstate 90 into Idaho in search of old-school suds.

A Russian man died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two female pals.The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov $4,300 that he wouldn’t be able to follow through with the half-day sex marathon.

But minutes after winning the bet, the 28-year-old died of a heart attack, Moscow police said.

“We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do,” said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.

Talk about chutzpah.

New Stock Market Terms

CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET– a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo at=2 0$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

Yossi Mpesi wrote:
Hello,

My name is Yossi Mpesi, I am young boy of 16yrs old.  I lost my parents in different occassions and my only sister to the war in Congo where my father owned a diamond/gold mine. I am lucky that I was able to flee to this place here in Cote d’Ivoire by good grace my life. I am sure you are aware of the on going event in my congo due to the ethnic clash being experienced of this crisis situation. I am presently staying in a residence lodging apartment here in Cote d’Ivoire.

I would like to appeal to you confidentialy to assist me concerning my late father’s Fund which he deposited in a financial firm, he has the sum of nine million, two hundred and ten thousand Euro(Ђ9.210,000). I want to move out from here because of the my wicked stepmother who plotted with the rebels that killed my father and will stop at nothing to hunt my life except if i flee since my father own a diamond/gold mine.

So please i want to know you better. I am willing to offer you 921,000euro for your assistance after the successful transfer of this money for investment; I have plans to do investment in your country, like real estate, industrial production or any other lucrative investment you bring to my notice in your country.

If you are willing to help me please indicate in your next mail and let me know so that I can mail to you. Let me have your private telephone number & address so that i can communicate with you at any time for more details.

Thanks,

Yossi

Wow. Bummer. How can I help? — Henry

If he replies, I’ll keep you posted.

If only we’d held on a little longer… sigh

Sacramento, CA (FLP) — California Lottery officials, working closely with legislative budget staff, have agreed to indefinitely suspend Lottery payouts to winners.

“The State is running out of money, and it’s only fair that Lottery winners do their part to help shore up our finances”, said Bruce Warner, assistant Lottery Commissioner. “What we’re going to do is continue to run all of the California state lotteries, but we will delay payout of the prizes for a minimum of three years. ”

“This will extend to scratchers, as well. Obviously, a scratcher winning $2 not paying off for three years is not going to be an undue hardship to the winner”, he continued.

‘There’s no reason only poor people should get malaria’: The moment Bill Gates released jar of mosquitoes at packed conference | Mail Online.

Awesome thinking, Bill.

‘Malaria is spread by mosquitoes,’ the Microsoft founder yelled at a well-heeled crowd at a technology conference in California.

’I brought some,’ he added. ‘Here, I’ll let them roam around – there is no reason only poor people should be infected.’

So let me get this straight — malaria is spread by mosquitoes, and now one of the richest men in the world is putting himself in charge of spreading the mosquitoes?

Nicely thought out.

I  am Mr B Marshall, Senior Staff, with a Bank here in Madrid-
Spain. I got your contact while searching for a reliable someone
to contact for this transaction in regards to a business transfer
for a huge sum of money in a dormant account. I need your
assistance to transfer to overseas Nine Million, Five Hundred
and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars Only (US$9,550.000.00).

I am seeking your humble assistance to provide either an existing
bank account or set up a new Bank account to receive this fund,
even an empty account can serve this purpose, or you help to
seek an honest and, reliable businessman who can assist us. Though
I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one
apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that this
transaction is being handled by me and my colleagues, who are
also departmental heads in the same bank. 

During the course of our audit ing we discovered a floating
fund in a domiciliary account opened in the bank in 2000 and since
2004 nobody has operated on this account, after going through some
old files in the records we discovered that the owner of the
account who is a foreigner died in Madrid Bombing of 11th of March
2004, without any traceable next of kin hence the dormant nature
of the account and if nobody come to claim this funds it will be
re- channel to government coffers as unclaimed funds.

If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue
advantage of th e trust I have bestowed in you,
I await your swift response via my personal
mail : (marshall22b@gmail.com)

Mr. B MARSHALL