New Jersey woman is packing in 12,000 calories a day in a bid to become the fattest woman in the world. If I were her daughter I’d be careful not to spill any mustard on myself.

[ed: that's not the wide-angle shot, so to speak; see the original article for that kind of thing]

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They really know how. Not sure where this comes from but I love it:

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I kinda like this idea, and it’s good PR for the business.

A Spanish bar is encouraging clients to insult its staff – and offering free drinks for original or hilarious abuse.

“When you come in after work, you can say swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” said client Antonio Ossa.

He told state news agency EFE the promotion by the Casa Pocho bar, in the southern town of Cullera near Valencia, seemed like a good idea to him.

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I didn’t write these, but I did receive them in my in-box, which is pretty much the same thing, isn’t it? Anyhow, thought I would share:

New Stock Market Terms

CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET– a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo at=2 0$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

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From time to time I look at the referrals we’re getting for our traffic. Just now, a bloke (I will presume) searched Yahoo for a term that brought him to Tiny Minds.

“tiny girl shower sex pics”.

First off, how in the hell did that lead him here, and second off, what kind of a sick son of a bitch would search for such things on the Internet?

Third, how did he think no one would notice, or take note of his IP address?

Please, buddy, just off yourself. Do us all a favor.

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should take this as it’s model:

VIENNA, Austria (AP) – Cabs in the Austrian city of Salzburg just got classier: Drivers can no longer wear tracksuits. The new regulation took effect earlier this month in an attempt to improve the image of cabbies in a place known for its upmarket clientele.

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Who do you see in this picture? Now, stand up and back off from your computer, and who do you see?

Hat tip to Steve Ray’s Blog

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Imagine the surprise one might have, sitting on the throne, reading the Economist, when suddenly…

FRANKENMUTH — Maintenance of city sewer lines is causing quick bursts of water to splash out of residents’ toilets. The problem has affected about 20 of Frankenmuth’s 1,200 households.

“It’s just real strange,” City Manager Charles Graham told The Saginaw News for a story Friday.

The maintenance usually causes only mild gurgling, Graham said. But in some homes, water has burst onto walls and floors in the city 70 miles north of Detroit.

WATER bursting onto walls? Just water? Ha.

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a house to a prospective buyer. You never know what might pop out at you…

LONDON (Reuters) – An estate agent who took a prospective buyer to view a house in central England found the owner hanging dead in a closet, the agency said Thursday.

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Good for them!

GREAT BEND, N.Y. — Two Army reservists are instant millionaires.

New York State lottery officials said Thursday that two jackpots of $1 million each have been won in the Fort Drum area. The lottery said the coincidence is unprecedented. One winning scratch-off ticket was bought by Wendy and Donald Childers.He’s a reservist who returned from a year in Iraq last November.The other winning ticket was bought by Stacy James. She’s an inactive reservist, whose husband is currently serving in Iraq.Both couples have three children.They said they plan to invest part of their winnings.

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OK, so you make a high-budget movie, featuring a sizzlingly sexy actress, lots of nudity, violence, and intrigue. You hype the heck out of it, spend millions on advertising, get oodles of earned media, and the first weekend, it flops.

Obviously, it’s censorship.

Paul Verhoeven, director of the first “Basic Instinct” (which scored $353 million worldwide) as well as the widely ridiculed “Showgirls” (now regarded as something of a camp classic), attributes the genre’s demise to the current American political climate.

“Anything that is erotic has been banned in the United States,” said the Dutch native. “Look at the people at the top (of the government). We are living under a government that is constantly hammering out Christian values. And Christianity and sex have never been good friends.”

It couldn’t possibly be that the movie is a steaming pile of shi’ite? Silly me.

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… at least in Massachusetts, if they don’t reside there and wanna get married.

BOSTON (Reuters) – Gay couples from American states that ban same-sex marriages cannot legally be wed in Massachusetts where such unions are legal, the state’s highest court ruled on Thursday.

The ruling was made in response to a lawsuit filed by gay couples from Connecticut, Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont, which prohibit same-sex marriage.

The Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts made its ruling after Republican Gov. Mitt Romney had ordered local authorities to refuse applications to be wed in Massachusetts because they resided outside of the state.

Before you gape, aghast, at this silliness, the article goes on:

The case was focused on an obscure law passed in 1913 that bars out-of-state couples from marrying in Massachusetts if their own states fail to recognize the union.

A law no doubt meant to prevent those uppity black people from marrying white folks and causing an interstate ruckus.

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I didn’t see the first one, but I’m game to see the sequel:

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I just got this over the “joke net”; you know, the friends who spam all their friends with the latest joke. I have no idea who wrote it, I have no idea how old it is, and I’m too tired to google it and find out. Regardless, here it is:

You are what you read

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country … or that anyone is running it; but, if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

TB to Real Ugly American, Blue Star Chronicals, TMH’s Bacon Bits, Stuck on Stupid

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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a coke.”

“Don’t get up,” said the Marine, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

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