On behalf of Planet Earth, I would like to once again apologize to any actually intelligent creatures in the Universe. It seems that we have reached a new low; crawling into the space between Gov. Blogo’s belly and the ground, which is no mean feat, we have:

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (AP) — Humane officers said a Pennsylvania woman marketed “gothic kittens” with ear, neck and tail piercings over the Internet. Officers with the SPCA of Luzerne County removed three kittens and a cat from a home outside Wilkes-Barre.

Officer Carol Morrison said the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals raided the home on Wednesday after getting a tip that the woman was selling the pierced kittens on eBay.

“It’s unbelievable anybody would do this to kittens,” Morrison said.

Charges are likely against the homeowner, whose name was not released.

Morrison said the woman has a pet grooming business in the basement of the home.

And in aggravated assault news, we have the following silly story:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (AP) - Police said a Port St. Lucie man was arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend, the second food attack that sent a man to jail in about a month. According to a police report released Monday, the 20-year-old man threw the sandwich at his girlfriend’s face during an argument about auto insurance and then hit her head with his fist.The man admitted to throwing the food but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge.

Last month, another man was arrested on a battery charge for hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing a  traffic crash.

Police reports did not [report] what type of sandwich was used in either attack.

… this little beauty…

If you don’t read this and then say “Run OMG run!!! Oh MY GOD!!!!”, you’re an idiot.

Seriously.

Here goes the verbatim text as of this “disclaimer” — btw I frankly detect a certain Eastern European Mob lilt to the text but perhaps that’s just me (oh, and nota bene, the italics are mine lol):

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Wow.

Simply, wow.

ST. LOUIS (AP) - Santa aside, that trip down the chimney doesn’t work so well after all. Police arrested a burglar early Wednesday who spent a harrowing three hours stuck inside the chimney of a pawn shop.Authorities were called to the location at 3 a.m., and found the man wedged in the chimney, unable to move. After about three hours, rescuers were able to knock away bricks and free him.

He was taken to a hospital for evaluation. The man’s name has not been released.

I know we here at Tiny Minds like to poke fun at folks who are, well, over-the-top fat. But the alleged unattractiveness of the morbidly obese cannot hold a candle to this:

Click for even more grotesque examples of how NOT to manage your weight...

Patients beware. Among the dumbest things noted that doctors wrote on patient’s charts:

“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”

“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

“She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

“She is numb from her toes down.”

“While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”

“The skin was moist and dry.”

Enjoy.

So to speak:

VALENTINE, Neb. (AP) - Ten misdemeanor counts have been filed against a man Cherry County authorities believe is the vandal some townspeople have dubbed the “Butt Bandit.”

Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said that on Tuesday he filed nine counts of public indecency and one count of disturbing the peace against 35-year-old Tom Larvie, of Valentine. All are misdemeanors.

Larvie is suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints of his naked behind, and sometimes his groin, on the windows of stores, churches and schools in Valentine since the spring of 2007.

The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly.

Scott said Larvie was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning.

This should serve as a reminder that our police officers do a dirty, nasty job, sometimes. I would NOT want to be the guy who had to pat him down.

Boy, I wish I’d thought of this one. There’s nothing sexier than scared women shaking their legs.

A Japanese man was arrested for releasing hundreds of beetle larvae inside a moving express train to try to scare female passengers, police said Tuesday.

“I wanted to see women get scared and shake their legs,” police quoted 35-year-old Manabu Mizuta as saying.

I’m still trying to figure out why this was a problem. Little shit got what was coming, says I:

AMBRIDGE, Pa. (AP) - A school bus driver will be charged with endangering a 10-year-old boy for intentionally braking suddenly so the boy would fall down, police said.

The driver was upset because the boy would not remain in his seat, Harmony Township police Sgt. Jim Essek said.

The driver told the boy to stop moving around before allegedly threatening him by saying, “If you do it again, I’ll knock you down,” Essek said.

When the fourth-grader moved around again, the bus driver hit the brakes.

Apparently, this is no joke:

A popular comedian active in Burma’s democracy movement has been sentenced to 45 years in jail by a Burmese court.

Seems this funny guy had the nerve to be trying to send aid to victims of the recent cyclone that devastated large parts of the countryside in May.

An outspoken satirist of the military government, Zarganar had already been arrested and jailed four times before he was taken from his home again by the authorities in June.

Hopefully, Dennis Miller will take this to heart as our new regime takes power. Obama doesn’t seem to have the same sense of humor as W had — and who really knows what kind of “change” is coming?

Canada’s Supreme Court today ruled that differently-weighted people (ie. people with gigantic arses) have a “right” to two seats on an airplane for the price of one.

In a move right out of some sort of Kurt Vonnegut nightmare, these dipsticks have essentially said that, rather than have to deal with their gluttony, the rest of us must now subsidize their excessive burger-and-fries narcissism.

Coming soon to the 9th Circuit, no doubt of it whatsoever.

A 19-year-old man is accused of hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing their automobile to crash. The suspect admits to the sandwich assault, saying he chose that over hitting the woman. Proof positive you don’t have to go underground to take the Subway!

I’ve heard of people getting drunk and arrested for it. But this guy takes the cake; assaulting his arresting officers with a golden shower wasn’t the smartest move, I’m thinking.

I think it’s best to not find a picture to illustrate this story. You’re welcome.

Apparently frustrated in his search for an Amish female to molest, Ryan Bailey instead sexually assaulted a 29-year-old Amish man. The victim told investigators that Bailey said he had been looking for an Amish girl, but a man would have to do.

I was really just looking for a cheap excuse to post this ridiculous picture…enjoy.

How dare they actually believe in their religion? That pesky Bill of Rights needs to be canceled, right now!

Proponents of Gay Marriage have set upon a singular target for their post-election angst: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. These folks have the temerity (along with what, 70% of black voters), to actually vote the way their conscience dictates.

I for one could give a hoot about who you want to “love”. That’s your personal, private business. But this all boils down to a word: Marriage. California allows “civil unions”; I’m all in favor of that. The Law itself allows anyone to enter into any kind of contract you might conjure up.

To a lot of people (including such nobodies as our Founding Fathers), marriage has a specific meaning — a basic, God-given covenent between one man and one woman to found a family that is the basic foundation of civilization.

Why would people want to take away the “specialness” of such an institution?  Can you imagine the lawsuits that would issue forth restricting religious liberty (there I go again with that pesky Bill of Rights).

Catholic Churches refusing to marry two women? Why, they ought to lose their tax-exemptions!!!1!

Mormons, who believe that homosexuality is (gasp!) a sin, if actually committed? They would be hauled up before the secular courts for denying “marriage” — even Temple marriage, which is restricted even for members. (BTW has anyone actually looked at the numbers of LDS in California? Guess what, it’s far larger than you might otherwise surmise — and it’s far more prosperous than you might also otherwise assume.)

Anyhow, I could go on and on. And perhaps I will.

What do you do if the police won’t hear your complaint or take you seriously? Apparently, the best thing to do is call them over 7,000 times.  Or maybe it isn’t.

Japanese police arrested a woman for making more than 7,000 emergency telephone calls because an officer did not take her initial complaint seriously, a police spokesman said Wednesday.The 38-year-old was arrested on Tuesday on charges of obstructing police work, a police spokesman in western Osaka said.

She made 7,177 calls during the day or night between September 14 and October 13 this year, sometimes shouting “drop dead” at police, he said.

The woman first called in 2005 to say she had been hit by a man, but the officer who answered her call “did not take the allegation seriously, because what she said was hard to understand,” he said.

“She apparently had a grudge against police officials,” he said.

I should say so. I also think the police showed remarkable, almost zen-master patience.

But not because Barack won — it’s because he’s suddenly no longer needed. While this election meant many things, it also meant that we’ve finally put to rest the idea that “AmeriKKKa” is a racist country.

Yeah, we have a bunch of red-neck race haters — and we still have their opposite numbers amongst people of color. But this election proves once and for all that Americans just don’t care about skin color. Of course, we also apparently don’t care about creeping socialism, income redistribution, billion dollar elections, ACORN, government control of health care, supporting our troops overseas or defending our country from its enemies.

But at least we’re not racists.

Due to the extreme danger of smoking, and the surplus of people willing to foster children,

LONDON (Reuters) - A council has become the first in London to rule that smokers will no longer be able to foster children.

Redbridge Council’s cabinet agreed Tuesday night to a ban on placing children with foster carers who smoke unless there are exceptional circumstances.

No doubt, soon we will also see a ban on parents who curse, people who are overweight, foster parents who drive too fast, volunteers who fart occasionally, and anyone who might possibly vote conservative.

Thank goodness all the tyranny ends in January:

Actor and liberal activist Tim Robbins had a battle before he could vote in Manhattan on Tuesday. His name was missing from the registration rolls, and an election supervisor and a police officer got involved before Robbins got a judge to issue a court order allowing him to vote when his registration was later verified.

“This is just one example of how difficult it is to vote in the United States,” he said.

Hey pal–shank this: you’re a self important twit.

Show this to your wife the next time she complains you didn’t do the vacuuming last weekend. This may put me off pizza for a long time, although I sadly suspect I may not have any appetite tomorrow night anyway.

A French man attempting to retrieve his cell phone from the toilet on a high-speed French TGV train had to be removed from the train by paramedics, bowl and all. Oddly enough, the train actually smelled worse after the commode was removed. Oh, snap!

A Dutchman claimed that it was entrapment when police left a bike unlocked and he subsequently attempted to ride off on it.

Happily, the Supreme Court ruled that, no, he wasn’t entrapped, and perhaps taking other’s property was still a bad thing, even in the Golden Age of Obama that is emerging for the world.

“Be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful”. — Warren Buffett

Joe Biden:

“It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.”

“I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate,” Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. “And he’s gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you - not financially to help him - we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right.”

I wonder how many thousands will die initially, and then, once he fails utterly to respond in a way that’s “right”, apparently or otherwise, how many more will perish?

(Of course, McCain is the erratic one, right?)

Well, the Sage has spoken. Perhaps Sage is the wrong term; perhaps we should start calling him “King of the Pumpers” but what the heck.

At least you’re buying stocks. Of course, you get special deals to buy yours en masse; you can increase a stock’s price just by buying it and letting everyone know you have, but what the hell.

At least someone’s buying again.

Attention all squirrels: Don’t steal nuts and just think you can get away with it.

BERLIN (Reuters) - Thieves who stole 660 pounds of hazelnuts in Germany have been urgently warned not to eat them.

Hamburg police spokesman Holger Vehren said the sacks containing the nuts were full of poisonous hydrogen phosphate gas, used to extend their shelf life. The nuts must first be treated to make them safe for consumption.

“We’re looking for the perpetrators because they could face a very serious health risk if they eat these hazelnuts,” he said. “The gas is even lethal if they inhale it.”

Sig94 has done it again; he’s taken an email he received and imbedded links to the information therein. Makes for fascinating reading on some of the past associations, activities, and life of our next President, Barack Obama. Well worth checking out.

You have GOT to be kidding me. Jimmy Carter is criticizing Bush on the economy?

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Former President Jimmy Carter said on Friday the “atrocious economic policies” of the Bush administration had caused the worst global financial crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

The SAME Jimmy Carter that gave us:

The SAME Jimmy Carter who gave us:

The same Jimmy Carter who gave us:

Oh. THAT Jimmy Carter.

Well, looks like my instincts were right for a change. When Russia invaded Georgia, I sold our shares in a mutual fund that invests in Russia — and none too soon:

MOSCOW (AP) - Trading on both Russian stock markets was halted on Wednesday after shares plunged within an hour of opening on fears the credit crisis will take a heavy toll on growth.MICEX, where most trading takes place, was shut until Friday after it dropped more than 14 percent to 637.9 points in the first half-hour of trading. The RTS index—which has lost more than 69 percent since its May peak—has been shut down until further notice. It fell 11.3 percent in the first half-hour, dropping to 761.6 points.

Both exchanges have suspended trading on several occasions in recent weeks in a bid to stem steep slides in share prices.

Investors have withdrawn billions of dollars from Russia’s oil-fueled economy since its war with Georgia in August. Sliding oil prices and concerns about the depth of the financial and economic woes in Europe and the U.S. have sent shares into freefall in recent weeks, contributing to the Russian markets’ worst-ever trading day on Monday.

Not that I’m happy about their crash — but if Putin thinks that he can invade his neighbors without fallout, he’s sadly received a really strong message. The coterie of oligarchs that help prop him up in power can’t be very happy with him at the moment. Shucks.

Well, apparently there are many kinds of “community organizers” out there:

LAS VEGAS (AP) - Nevada state authorities are raiding the Las Vegas headquarters of an organization that works to get low-income people to vote.A Nevada secretary of state’s office spokesman said Tuesday that investigators are looking for evidence of voter fraud at the office of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, also called ACORN.

No one was at the ACORN office when state agents arrived with a search warrant and began carting records and documents away.

Secretary of State spokesman Bob Walsh says ACORN is accused of submitting multiple voter registrations with false and duplicate names.

The raid comes two months after state and federal authorities formed a task force to pursue election-fraud allegations in Nevada.

I’m betting they find something. What do you think the over/under is gonna be?

Fox News just announced that Waxman has capitulated to demands that he hold hearings into the real cause of all of this financial storm — Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and their Democrat backers and executives.

He won’t say when the hearings will be, however. Anyone think they will be before the elections next month? Me, either.

isn’t the swiftest way to conduct yourself. Especially if you’re not anonymous, and you’re bragging about taking advantage of hurricane relief that you don’t actually need.

As pointed out by Rhymes with Right, this bonehead is now suspended (with pay, of course) from her teaching job after bragging about how she was scoring big off the taxpayers in more ways than just being part of The State Education Monopoly.

In what Steinhauer described as a diary, titled “The Secret Life of an Uninteresting Teacher,” she writes about her love of MREs, her habit of hitting up more than one Place Of Distribution (POD) in trips between Baytown and her Deer Park home, and her enjoyment of life post-Hurricane Ike.

“This is great,” Steinhauer said in her blog. “I don’t have school and getting free food. I still will probably get paid at the end of the month also. Life is great after a hurricane when nothing really happened to your house.”

While adding up her free loot, Steinhauer counted five cases of water, two 20-pound bags of ice, four 10 pound bags of ice, four boxes of MREs (two of the “real military ones” and two boxes meant to last one person one day, and a box with a variety of 12 sack lunches of Chef Boyardee microwavable cups, granola bars, fruit cups and almond cookies.)

Happily, she’s probably in a good deal of hot water now.

Allegations that Steinhauer took advantage of the system and received MREs she may not have really needed while other s went without have prompted an investigation by the Goose Creek school district.

“She’s been placed on administrative lead with pay pending an investigation,” spokeswoman Kathy Clausen said.

My buddy at Signal 94 found this tid-bit in which even the amazing Alec Baldwin (wasn’t he gonna leave the country? Frankly, I’m glad he didn’t since he kills me on 30 Rock…) recognizes that the Democrats are just as much if not more to blame for our current CF in the markets.

Michelle Malkin once again is railing against government intervention in markets created and overseen by the government who are in crisis due to …. you guessed it, the government control of interest rates, financial regulation, the mortgage market, the tax system, international relations, trade treaties, and everything else that allows the free market to operate.

Naturally, of course, the “bail out” package didn’t result in an instant bull market rising 3000 pts today.

Of course, this is a sure sign that they shouldn’t be doing anything regarding the current crisis.

Is it just me, or are people who should know better just bloviating to hear themselves bloviate? Course, at least I’m willing to admit it. Those who are paid to scream from the rooftops will most likely decline to make such admissions.

and I realized that most people who don’t understand Sarah Palin (or her husband) just don’t get how life is in places like Alaska, Montana, the Dakotas, etc. Posted a reply to a post there:

The problem with all of this Palin-bashing is a fundamental misunderstanding of what it’s like to live in a state like Alaska, the Dakotas, Montana, and the like.

Thinly populated, and dependent either on pure self-preservation or Washington largesse, the populations are often polarized into two big camps: Rugged individualists who are self-reliant and resent authority, or State socialists who wouldn’t be able to stay if it weren’t for the support of the taxpayers both of the state and the US.

This means, in their little playgrounds, that often wide variations occur in their parochial politics that results in things like the Independence Party, or the Constitutionalists and the so-called Militia of Montana.

Applying left-coast or East Coast standards to such places just doesn’t work — and at the same time, doesn’t invalidate the fact that there are talented political minds in such places.

Try taking a trip to one of these places some time. You’ll find that the people, as a whole, are wonderful, down to earth, and want exactly what everyone else does — good education, reasonable taxation, liberty, and effective public services.

Yeah, they have different ways of getting there, but that’s what they all want, just the same, both Right and Left.

Until you do, please, STFU about things you just don’t understand. Kthx.

– Henry

That’s rich.

According to the AP’s Douglass Daniel,

WASHINGTON (AP) - By claiming that Democrat Barack Obama is “palling around with terrorists” and doesn’t see the U.S. like other Americans, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin targeted key goals for a faltering campaign.

And though she may have score a political hit each time, her attack was unsubstantiated and carried a racially tinged subtext that John McCain himself may come to regret.

Since when is calling Obama’s links (which are extensive and proven) to an unrepentant domestic terrorist carry a racial tinge? Because Obama is black?

We all know that the standard for racism has become: Criticism of a black man is by default racism.

We might as well just call the election now. Anything short of an Obama landslide will prove that the United States is a totally racist company. Let’s save a lot of money, effort, and actual voting, and just crown him now — so he can get started on parting the seas, healing the earth, and bringing peace and prosperity to the solar system.

I give up.

Sort of. Details are still murky, but it looks like Paulson and the Fed now have the tools to unfudge the credit markets. We hope.

In the meantime, the stock market has declined rapidly. What does this mean for investors?

In my opinion, unless you think that the End of the World is nigh, you should sit tight. Although your stocks and mutual funds and ETFs may be lagging what you paid for them, the underlying companies should be just as healthy as they were the week before, by and large. The Hartford didn’t become worth 33% less in one day just because some idiot who runs the majority in the Senate flapped his gums out of turn. Or maybe it did — but you surely don’t have any more than say 1-2% of your portfolio in that stock, right?

If you DO think the world is coming to an end, it’s not going to do you a lot of good to sell and lock in your losses at THIS point, so don’t. If we’re doomed, it’s not going to matter whether you have less money than you did before; after all, we’re doomed, right?

The main problem now with the markets is that typical investors are panicking — in the face of hedge funds selling into any rally that comes along as they try to unwind their tortuous positions. Don’t help them. Breath deep, hang tight, and remember that this economy is so much more incredibly huge, interconnected, and creative by it’s nature than anything they could have imagined in 1929.

and with no Federal intervention (except what the Feds can do themselves without authorization from our absolutely do nothing Congress).

At least my Congresscritter, McKeon, voted correctly today. Hopefully there will be a revote tonight or something and they will get their shi’ite together.

It’s amazing to me that so many of our so-called representatives no so little about how our financial system works (or doesn’t work) that they would be still playing politics with the situation.

Meanwhile, Ron Paul is sitting there railing about how we need “sound money” — while a LOT of his personal wealth is tied up in the very companies that would gain from a return to some sort of idiotic gold standard.

Talk about a conflict of interest.

Careful you don’t get a ticket in Italy:

RO