Archive for February, 2008

What do you mean, it’s not my money?

Don’t you just hate it when you find out that that multimillion dollar bank account doesn’t really belong to you, after all?

NEW YORK (AP) – A defense attorney in New York City says her client believed he was rightfully entitled to the $2 million he’s accused of stealing from a bank account managed by someone with the same name. Attorney Julie Fry says Benjamin Lovell “didn’t intend to steal from anyone.” She says he’ll explain in court what the bank told him that led him to believe the $5.8 million account was his.

The 48-year-old Brooklyn salesman has been arrested on grand larceny charges. A judge lowered his bail Friday from $1 million to $10,000 in cash.

Authorities say Lovell spent the misbegotten money on jewelry, cash gifts to friends and failed investments.

The account belonged to a trust, and a different Benjamin Lovell was a signatory on it.

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Barack Obama’s Secret Love Child

This reporter recently received the following email:

Dear Henry:

I don’t know what to do with this information, but I think it’s very important that the people of America know the truth: I am Barack Obama’s secret love child. My mother had a “fling” with Barack in the early ’80′s, and came away pregnant. Unfortunately, my father refuses to acknowledge my existence as his child, even though I’m working for his campaign in New York. Dad even refused to take a paternity test, so there’s really nothing I can do.

What should I do? Do you think the New York Times would print my story, even though I have no proof of my allegation?

Your advice would be greatly appreciated.


Barack “Baba” O’Reilly

Dear Baba,

I really don’t know what to tell you. There’s a good chance that the New York Times will print the story, you should at least give it a try.

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Honey, could you go get me a railway bridge for the backyard?

Police in the western Czech border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-tonne railway bridge. “We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value,” police spokeswoman Martina Hruskova told AFP. “It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft.”

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Thank you, Mother England

For this brilliant idea — I’m sure the American pleasure Nazis will be able to enhance and implement it in all aspects of our lives. Great.

Smokers could be forced to pay £10 for a permit to buy tobacco if a government health advisory body gets its way.

No one would be able to buy cigarettes without the permit, under the idea proposed by Health England.

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Senate Votes to Ban Waterboarding and other “Harsh Techniques”

In an effort to forstall harsh treatment of our citizens by other powers, including terrorist organizations accustomed to sawing people’s heads off with rusty kitchen knifes, the Senate today set a new standard for absolute idiocy:

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Senate voted Wednesdy to prohibit the CIA from using waterboarding and other harsh interrogation methods on terror suspects despite President Bush’s threat to veto any measure that limits the agency’s interrogation techniques.

The prohibition was contained in a bill authorizing intelligence activities for the current year. The bill would restrict the CIA to the 19 interrogation techniques outlined in the Army field manual. That manual prohibits waterboarding, a method that makes an interrogation subject feel he is drowning. The bill passed on a 51-45 vote.

Apparently, the 19 interrogation techniques also don’t include speaking harshly, interrupting naps, or taking away prisoner’s cable TV. Human rights activists, and other liberal idiots, rejoice.

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